Thursday, April 26, 2012
affording luxuries
When it comes to comments about stay at home mothers, it's not the Hilary Rosens that drive me nuts---it's all of us stay at home moms.
In an effort to have society take us seriously we adamantly assert how difficult and it is to be a stay at home mother. If we were really going for arduous, there are plenty of more physically intense jobs out there, but guess what, I'm not going for hard, I'm going for substance.
Most people who hear SAHMs talk will acknowledge it's sometimes rough, but being a SAHM is not gulag and we should stop talking about it like it is. The logical conclusion of most of the complaints SAHMs give is to go to work so that you can afford a maid, cook, and/or taxi driver. SAHMs haven't done near good enough job of articulating why it's worth staying at home.
I cringe every time I hear well-intentioned individuals talk about how much we'd have to pay for the services of a SAHM. Being a SAHM is not a job, career, or my employment. I've never heard anyone put a monetary value on the prophet’s services. Why not? What he does is spiritual and it belies commodification. So why do we do that with motherhood which is so much more eternal?
I'm a stay at home mom because I'd rather go without a second phone, a two bedroom apartment, or a matching furniture (and no, I’m not talking about those situations that are often used to blanket justify all the others) so that I can get Christian’s kisses of comfort when his mom starts crying while reading The Little Match Girl to him. I do it because I cherish every belly laugh of Simeon's at his big brother’s attentions. I do it because I love to watch children’s innate creativity turn the ordinary into something entirely different than I ever could have imagined, more than any wacky dream. I do it because I can’t afford to not have this luxury.
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10 comments:
Interesting. :)
You know that there is a monetary value to the prophet though, right? I realize that wasn't quite your point, but I couldn't help myself pointing out that the prophet receives a yearly, urm, what do they call it - stipend?
I agree with you that motherhood is about something far more/entirely different than just the duties of caring for children/running a household. It's about the bonds you create with your child, the things you experience together, etc.
With that said, I don't know that your post necessarily makes a good case for being a SAHM. My mother was at home full-time for all of us kids. Like, until we were out of the house. She failed to use the time she had with us, and instead busied herself with being a 'homemaker'. I can assure you that our house was always perfectly clean, that we always had a wonderful dinner at the table, and that we got signed up for music and sports lessons. We even got toured around to see art and history and what not.
But we didn't get played with. I don't recall my mom checking in on me at bed time. I don't recall songs and hugs, or anything else really that suggested that my mom was deeply involved in my personal life other than making sure I'm alive, healthy and going to Church.
I know quite a few SAHM's like that. I know some amazing mothers, who have the most amazing relationships with their kids, and they are not SAHM's.
I think at this point, I've concluded that it's not a matter of being at home with your child full-time, or working outside the home. It's all about what kind of relationship you build with your child. And that will lead to potentially eternal families, or maybe families where the idea of being together for eternity sounds like hell.
I think it can go either way, depending on how involved parents choose to be in the lives of their kids.
Plus, I have to say that I think fatherhood is also deeply eternal. And most dads who have to work full-time have to sacrifice enjoying all the luxuries you get to enjoy. It's a strange thing to me.
I heard of a family in Finland, where the dad works 3 days, and the mom is home with the kids during that time, and then the mom works 2 days, and the dad is home with the kids. That actually sounds more ideal to me than anything else. What a blessing for both of the parents to be with their kids, see them maybe talk or walk for the first time, go on outings with them, etc. How wonderful that they can enjoy their father and mother equally, and not just occasionally see dad on the weekends (my dad was gone on a lot of weekends, and also very busy during the week usually. He sure tried to take time for his family as much as he could, but CES sure makes their employees work for their money...)
I feel very blessed to have the luxury of being able to stay home with my kids. I don't look down on moms that work, but I do feel sorry for them. It would be hard to miss all that precious time with your children, and it must be difficult to find the time and energy for homemaking and parenting on top of working.
Thanks for the post Rachel. :)
Thanks for all of your comments, including the always questioning Fran. What fun would posts be without some controversy?
I think most of us are aware that the prophet receives renumeration (which is by no means meant to show his worth), but I used him as an example instead of a Bishop to illustrate that motherhood exceeds the "highest" position.
I agree with you that being a SAHM is not about these trivial outside issues. I have never been the crafty domestic goddess that so many women seem to pull off, I've never wanted to be as that would just take time away from my kiddos. That's why I mentioned the cook, maid, and taxi driver that can all be replaced (but are sometimes necessary in a world of limited money).
I know there are plenty of people that could teach my child to recognize his abc's faster than I could, or even share better than I could, but the point is I'm a SAHM is for selfish reasons---I love it. It is also my stewardship and I'm not willing to hire out someone else to give the kisses and hugs that I can do on my own.
There are millions of wonderful working mothers, I think in most countries around the world most women have to work. This is where I feel, as Mary, that it must be so hard for them to leave their kids in the hands of others. As our friend Bags recently mentioned to me the other day, most people who can afford the luxury of good childcare, most likely don't need to be working. I feel so sorry for the parents who have to drop their kids off at places where they know their kids aren't getting the attention, love, and morals that they would give them at home.
Personally, I'm well aware that one day Stephen and I will likely get to the point that we have to choose between me staying at home or being able to afford another child. At that point I would much rather go back to work and have that extra child, even if that means I miss out on so much. I respect the women who choose to have kids anyways, even knowing they can't afford to stay home with them.
I think these are the feelings that many fathers have when they leave their homes. I grant you that many within the church belittle fatherhood as a mere calling to provide (and provide well) for their family. As great as Finland sounds, I just don't know about the practicality of it.
I should probably add that I realize some women in the church are not working for financial reasons, but out of spiritual promptings that that's where they need to be etc. I'm not judging working moms; I'm critiquing SAHMs who don't take their roles seriously.
thoughtful post - thank you!
Doh, I left another wise comment here a few days ago, except, I guess I didn't ACTUALLY leave it.
I think I said something along the lines of:...well, I don't really remember.
But I wanted to say that I agree that it all should be about doing the right thing (following those spiritual promptings) and that being a SAHM is much more (or something entirely different) than just being home, feeding everyone, and cleaning the house.
I think that was actually my point. I feel that in society at large, but also in the Church, we're still often missing the point of what parenthood is all about. Sure, we talk about how important families are, and we talk about how special mothers are. But fathers often still get asked to "babysit" their kids in Church (so that the wives can go to some RS activity) or women think just being at home is what makes them great mommies (and then wasting a lot of their time on ...stuff).
I think bringing a child into this world and being there to see them grow up has been the most amazing thing I've ever done. I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I don't think anything else in life is ever as important or life-changing as the relationships we form with our children. But yet, many don't realize that this is what parenthood is about.
Many women stay at home, especially in the church I think, because it's what they're supposed to do. And many dads just work, because that's what they're supposed to do. But to me it's not just about working or staying at home.
I had those parents (my dad often being gone because of his demanding job for the Church that left him very little time with us, and my mom who stayed at home, but spent all her days cleaning and ironing underwear and bedsheets). I think they did their best. But I also think they ultimately missed out on what parenthood is all about.
So, when I think about what I think parenthood is all about, I don't worry so much anymore about mothers working (or not) or dads being at home with the kids instead of providing. I think what matters is what those parents do with their kids, what kind of relationships they build.
It's great to be with your children all the time. I've treasured this deeply. But I also see the loss of my husband not having that chance, and how it affects my kids. I also see how it affects me. All things in moderation is what comes to my mind, and then I think back on the family in Finland. It may not be a viable model right now for the US, but Europe has many very family-centered and family-friendly policies.
I wish we'd show the value we put on family in the laws we create in the US. I wish we'd see how much everyone benefits from healthy, happy families where the parents can be fully involved in their kids lives. There is much more we could do in this country. For now though, I think there's a lot of lip service, and we choose to go for the money rather than for family (in our laws).
Hmmm, do I have anything else to say? I don't think so. I just wish that I could share more of the parenting joys with my husband. And as much as I love being the one taking care of my kiddos, sometimes I wish there was more opportunity for my own physical, mental, spiritual, intellectual developments. It's very hard to find balance with the "mom stays at home full-time, dad works full-time model".
Ohoh, and I totally agree that many things a mother does (cleaning, cooking) could be totally replaced with someone else doing it. Interestingly enough, I know a lot of women though who feel this is their duty as a 'mother' to clean and cook (which could be based on Sis. Beck's talk on "Mothers who know" - she pretty much said that nurturing includes doing those things). It's strange to me, because I figure any household chores that can either be shared, or given to someone else (assuming the money is there), will free up your time to be involved with your kids, and be a teacher and guide to them.
Alright. I'll shut up now.
Good points. As much as I hate to admit it though, someone eventually has to clean the house or the DCFS comes and takes the kids away and unless you have enough money to hire out, someone has to clean. I think you're right though, we put way too much emphasis on that and not enough on the kids sometimes. By the looks of my house now, I've been spending too much time with my kids :)
Oh, I certainly didnt want to suggest that we can all abandon the house chores. You are totally right. They need to get done. Very few homes will operate if no one takes on the everyday stuff of laundry, dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping etc.
My point was rather what you touched on - that parenting is something far more special and in my opinion, actually distinct from house chores. Anyone, with or without kids will have to participate in those. But parenting is something else. So, I wish at times we would simply realize that sometimes the laundry can wait, or things can be broken, or dishes can pile up a bit, but those certain moments with your kids that can make or break things in their developing relationship with you wont always be there. And they cannot be replaced. And you cannot catch up with it later. It will influence the course of life and that is how it will be.
And the other point is that I think as much as those chores have to be done, if we separate them from parenting, there is also a better chance that they don't just automatically become mommy chores. I try to cover as much stuff at home as I can. But sometimes I just dont because I think I should spend time with my kids and actually RAISE them than just clean and shop and cook and wash all day. That will mean that my husband has to join in in a fair amount of housework. But I see it as chores we are all responsible for. AFter all, I am not the only one eating, getting clothes dirty or messing up the house. Sharing those tasks helps both of us realize what goes into keeping a house in order, and makes us both work harder at keeping things tidy. It allows me more time to spend with the kids, without feeling like my working hours never end. And...
Anyway, I just wish that we all could see at times how precious our time is with our kids, and that other success in life can compensate for that. Not even having been the perfect little home maker. A perfect home does not make up for poor relationships with your kids. Nothing does. Nothing ever will.
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